-Michael
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Have you ever had a fight with God? I am in the midst of one right now. Admittedly, its not a fair fight and I'm losing, but its a fight none the less.
Many know that 7 years ago when I was 24 years old, I had to have open heart surgery to replace my aortic valve due to a birth defect. I was supposed to be done after that. No more complications. I had my surgery and I felt better. The end.
Unfortunately, I learned last week that this is not the case. I had to switch cardiologists recently because my old one left the practice. In getting established with a new doctor I had to under go a few tests. I had an echocardiogram and was also sent for a cardiac MRI. the tests indicated that I am now having problems with my Aorta and I have an aneurysm, which means it is enlarged. My last surgery was to replace my valve and when I had that surgery my Aorta was 4.1 cm wide. A healthy one is around 3.0 cm. Recent tests indicate that I am now at 4.9 cm and surgical intervention is recommended at 5.0 cm. The danger is that my Aorta will eventually rupture if not repaired. I'm not 100% certain, but I hear that's bad.
This would mean that I will be having another open heart procedure to replace the enlarged portion of my Aorta. I don't have a ton of details yet as I'm still waiting for my follow up appointment to go over the tests and game plan in detail. I go back in on the 30th of May for that appointment. They may recommend surgery now, or they may just put me on a "wait and see" plan which will have me getting tests done every 6 months until the procedure is necessary. Unfortunately, from what I understand, surgery is not so much a question of "if", but of "when", as my Aorta will not shrink back down on its own and it continues to enlarge.
so, this is where I argue with God. I can't help but wonder "why"? I'm 30 years old. I have a family. I have kids. Why do I have to go through all of this..... AGAIN!
I question, fight, get pissed... It doesn't help. And then it hits me. How much God loves me. It doesn't make sense. I began with thinking that if God truly loved me, he wouldn't let this happen to me. Now I can't help but see how he has gone before me and will continue to do so. The only way that I can feasibly make it through this is to entrust it to Him. The God who created this entire universe also cares about something as small as my Aorta. He LOVES me so much and cares for my safety. He cares for my family. And while I don't understand why things happen, I can't help but feel his presence surrounding me. Lifting me up and helping me to stand.
I still fight. I tell Him that this sucks. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. Impatient
I trust in Him. I trust that he will provide. He will use these circumstances for His glory.
