-Michael
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Have you ever had a fight with God? I am in the midst of one right now. Admittedly, its not a fair fight and I'm losing, but its a fight none the less.
Many know that 7 years ago when I was 24 years old, I had to have open heart surgery to replace my aortic valve due to a birth defect. I was supposed to be done after that. No more complications. I had my surgery and I felt better. The end.
Unfortunately, I learned last week that this is not the case. I had to switch cardiologists recently because my old one left the practice. In getting established with a new doctor I had to under go a few tests. I had an echocardiogram and was also sent for a cardiac MRI. the tests indicated that I am now having problems with my Aorta and I have an aneurysm, which means it is enlarged. My last surgery was to replace my valve and when I had that surgery my Aorta was 4.1 cm wide. A healthy one is around 3.0 cm. Recent tests indicate that I am now at 4.9 cm and surgical intervention is recommended at 5.0 cm. The danger is that my Aorta will eventually rupture if not repaired. I'm not 100% certain, but I hear that's bad.
This would mean that I will be having another open heart procedure to replace the enlarged portion of my Aorta. I don't have a ton of details yet as I'm still waiting for my follow up appointment to go over the tests and game plan in detail. I go back in on the 30th of May for that appointment. They may recommend surgery now, or they may just put me on a "wait and see" plan which will have me getting tests done every 6 months until the procedure is necessary. Unfortunately, from what I understand, surgery is not so much a question of "if", but of "when", as my Aorta will not shrink back down on its own and it continues to enlarge.
so, this is where I argue with God. I can't help but wonder "why"? I'm 30 years old. I have a family. I have kids. Why do I have to go through all of this..... AGAIN!
I question, fight, get pissed... It doesn't help. And then it hits me. How much God loves me. It doesn't make sense. I began with thinking that if God truly loved me, he wouldn't let this happen to me. Now I can't help but see how he has gone before me and will continue to do so. The only way that I can feasibly make it through this is to entrust it to Him. The God who created this entire universe also cares about something as small as my Aorta. He LOVES me so much and cares for my safety. He cares for my family. And while I don't understand why things happen, I can't help but feel his presence surrounding me. Lifting me up and helping me to stand.
I still fight. I tell Him that this sucks. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. Impatient
I trust in Him. I trust that he will provide. He will use these circumstances for His glory.
Mike, you are bold to admit such anger...so many people just walk around feeling angry at god and feeling like they can't share those feelings...so good for you. I think God can be more present to our honest selves than our dishonest selves.
ReplyDeleteIn my own life's struggles (which have not been facing my own mortality much) I have over time adopted a theology that God doesn't cause things to happen most of the time (otherwise I cannot explain things like the holocost, chernoybl, and various atrocities) but rather God is with us in all things that happen. I'm sure that since much of this is biological that line of thinking is a bit different...but in facing my own pain and hurt in my experience of birthing children I try to let my body me my body and try not to ask why God "designed me" so much as "how is God with me or wanting to be with me?" "How does this help me to live the word in the world?" And things like that???
Sorry if this is preachy I don't intend it that way at all...Prayers to you my friend!
Wow, my heart hurts to know that you're looking at such difficult circumstances. I remember vividly when you went through the initial surgery. Your dad and I talked and cried together. It's hard as a parent to see our children suffer. Recently I had to go through colon surgery. I will confess that I, too, was angry with God asking, "Why me, Lord?" Well, why not me! I had to pray for months for the strength, courage, and peace in following through with what the doctors insisted HAD to be done. I am fortunate to have the counsel of a retired pastor. He helped me to find several of God's promises in the Bible that I clung to and typed them up to keep in my purse when doubts would hit. The one I repeated the most was from 2 Timothy 1:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Please know that I will be your prayer warrior in the days ahead. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. You are a special young man, and I know that God has something mighty in store for you which will bring Him honor and glory. I have a plaque in my office that reads, "Faith is the daring of the soul to go farther than it can see." Please know that you are so loved! Love -- Aunt Barbara
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. Prayers and encouragment are greatly appreciated!
ReplyDeleteIt sucks. Sorry. Will continue to be praying for you, Mike.
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